In the Name Game, I fell for the Rope-a-Dope.
What’s in a name? ….When we name our children, we lean into our customs. Their names broadcast pride and bare witness to our family histories. This was true with the naming of my three daughters. Their names embody the politically aware, social justice warriors they have become. Even so, I must admit I fell for the rope-a-dope when choosing their names.
The rope-a-dope….Muhammed Ali’s trash talking acuity and boxing agility made him a formable athlete. A lasting legacy is his ability to coax George Foreman into exhaustion with the rope-a-dope strategy. In a 1970 rematch, Ali strategically leaned into the ropes drawing unsubstantial jabs from Foreman. This deliberate dance left Foreman exhausted and Ali with the advantage. Ali was victorious. Since then, anyone who naively walks into a trap, falls victim to the rope-a-dope. I fell for the rope-a-dope in the name game.
The name game…My 21 year-old daughter recently bestowed a woke status upon her father and I. This epiphany emerged after learning her now middle-aged parents had deliberately chosen her gender and ethnically neutral name. Supposedly, our decision placed us in the woke category way back in 1999. Back then, we were politically aware and tuned into current events. We had experienced the Clarence Thomas confirmation hearings, anguished over the Rodney King verdict, and remainded numb by the OJ Simpson not guilty decision. These events brought race, gender, and class into view, making us well aware that our daughter would be judged through a gender and ethnicity lens. We were well aware that biases could sidetrack career opportunities, render her a token or a not quite right fit for an employer. In 1999, we had an awareness of this name game. We hatched a plan and conspired against those who could use our name choice against her.
And so, our name game commenced… We wondered. Which names were gender and ethnically neutral? Which names did not evoke misconceptions and bias? Yes, we went there first in 1999, and again in 2001, and 2007 with our second and third daughters.
I mean, — decisions…decisions.
Daughter 1: Sidney, Sydney or Cydney
Daughter 2: Jaelyn, Jaylen, or Jailen
Daughter 3; Cameron, Kamryn, or Camryn
For, real. With each name choice we congratulated ourselves for a well played name game. We didn’t look back until my daughter’s woke status prompted some self-reflection. Turns out…we had limited three of our most important decisions to fit within the boundaries of biased practices. We fell for the rope-a-dope.
The reason I fell…To be honest, my personal trauma left me susceptible to the rope-a-dope in the name game. I have been on the receiving end of befuddled looks in response to my name all my life. The customary name exchange during introductions usually elicits some confusion. A slight tilt of the head, a gentle lean forward, and an awkward silence by a new acquaintance are usual responses. For me, these exchanges were, and sometimes still are, part comedy routine and part dramatic performance.
Me: “Hello, I’m Davie-Lyn.”
Acquaintance: “Is it Daisy?”
Me: “No, Davie-Lyn.”
Acquaintance: “Spelled, D-a-v-e-y?”
Me: “No. D-a-v-i-e. Capital L-y-n.”
Acquaintance: “Oh, Day-V- Lyn. Are you from the south?”
Me: “No. Jersey.”
Acquaintance: “Oh.”
Me: “I am the last of four daughters. My dad’s name is David and my parents knew I would be the last one.”
Acquaintance: “Oh.”
My birth order apology accompanied by my perfectly timed smile, usually ended the awkwardness. Negativity surrounding my name was normalized and caused my younger-self to reject my given name. Multiple times I informed my family of my plan to change it at age eighteen. These experiences made selecting my own children’s names all the more complicated. I tailored their name options to fit within the flawed boundaries of the name game. With each naming I fell for the rope-a-dope.
With self-reflection, a new awareness…The woke status is an uncomfortable space to live in. It assumes that each decision forward will stand-up against future scrutiny. In truth, awareness is fluid and consistently deepening. These decisions in the past cannot be measured against my evolving awareness of today. Those choices and this moment of self reflection are just stepping stones to a deeper awareness. Today, I accept my naming decisions and appreciate those who have and will disrupt the power of the name game.
-So, thank you, Mom, Dad………..and the many other name game disruptors….. ( ex. Marquan, Jalisa, LeAndre, Marlinda, Khai)
I am confident my daughters, Sydney, Jaylen, and Camryn, will not fall for the rope-a-dope in the name game.
